“Well, that happened,” I said to Richard as I looked at a photo taken at my Ordination, eighteen years ago today.  

Have you ever looked at old photos of yourself and wondered about that person looking back at you from another time?  My first inclination, after gratitude, was to look at myself with some embarrassment because, gosh, I look much older now, and the dreams I had…well many of them remain in my heart, yet unrealized.   

That person in my old pic still looks shiny, and look at her smile, and see how she is surrounded by friends and family who have passed on and therefore closed the book of their earthly life?  Yet, here I am, with years of my life written that were only imagined at that long ago time.  And I wonder.

 That woman in the photo has not experienced the hollow sadness of the losses to come, the sharp pain of disappointment, the ache of guilt or regret, the breathless joy of dreams that have come true, of love bestowed, or gifts received; but all of those things are on the horizon, just out of her sight.  I am grateful for that wonderful Ordination day, but having celebrated it again today I put the pictures away, knowing that while all of them are cherished memories, those photos are no longer me.

So I turn away from an old photograph, and into a mirror of this day.  I see the lines on my face formed by tears of joy and sorrow that made my life deep and full, the sadder eyes that have recognized the reality of changes in the world that leave us wrung out at times yet hopeful, the smile tempered by the absence of loved ones who are no longer here with me but linger in memory and spirit.  I have changed. 

Yet, every line, imperfection, ache, pain, or regret has come from living this amazing life.  This gift of life has included experiences that have marked me, changed me, even wounded me (much as my ancestor in faith Jacob when confronted with the reality of God’s presence all along).  

Here’s the truth:  I wouldn’t change a thing. I wouldn’t rid myself of one sleepless night of mourning, not one tear of concern or love, not one moment of experience although I have at times been driven to my knees by the weight of life.  I wouldn’t change a thing because it has given me the love, the laughter, the people, the creativity that forms my life today.  So often unbidden, God was leading me, and although I rarely knew it in the moment, I know it now. 

Looking at my old photograph reminds me of how much has changed, and I think of it all as I contemplate that special day all those years ago.  I am so grateful. That happened.  It all happened.  Life goes on.  And I thank God.